June 20, 2024
Opinion | It’s possible the pastor who scammed for a home remodel misheard God

Huge news: God spoke! And the first thing God said was, “Use other people’s money to pay for your home remodel, Colorado pastor Eli Regalado!”

I wouldn’t have guessed this either! But that just goes to show!

In my favorite news story in a long time, internet pastor Regalado ran what the Colorado securities commissioner is calling a fraud, selling a worthless cryptocurrency and using the money in mysterious ways, including “a few hundred thousand dollars” spent on “a home remodel that the Lord told us to do.”

“Either I misheard God … or, two, God is still not done with this project,” Regalado said.

Definitely the second thing! There’s no way Regalado misheard his conversation, which I imagine went like this:

Regalado: Lord, living in the world breaks my heart every day. There is so much war, so much suffering, so much cruelty, and I feel powerless to stop it. Nothing I say seems to do any good. How do we even start to fix things? Say something!

God: Oh, I’m going to say something, all right.

Regalado: What is it, Lord? What is Thy will?

God: Do you know anything about cryptocurrency?

Regalado: Tell me what to do, God.

God: Do a cryptocurrency scam.

Regalado: But, God, I don’t know anything about this.

God: That’s fine. You don’t need to know anything. Just, tell everyone you know to invest in cryptocurrency. A bad cryptocurrency that is worthless. Call it INDXcoin.

Regalado: That seems mean, God.

God: You read the “Book of Job”?

God: Do the cryptocurrency scam.

Regalado: Well, okay. Anything else?

Regalado: I can’t afford a home remodel.

God: It’s very important to me that you do a home remodel.

Regalado: For some higher purpose?

God: I just think your home would look better if you remodeled it. Have higher resale value, probably.

Regalado: Well, sure, I’m not disputing that, but — this just doesn’t sound like you.

God: What are you talking about? Sure it does. Remember what I said to Noah?

Regalado: Yeah, in broad strokes.

God: I gave him extremely detailed home remodel instructions. I said, you should become a guy who lives on a houseboat. And I have a lot of detailed specifications about that houseboat. And I told him what materials to use and exactly how many cubits.

Regalado: Do you have instructions like that for me?

God: Nah, I have faith in your contractors. Just, do a remodel.

Regalado: I have to say, when I pictured hearing from God, I thought it would have more to do with the things I always felt you cared the most about. How to keep children from dying or end hunger. Don’t you care about war? Don’t you care about poverty? Don’t you care about people loving one another?

God: You should get rid of the crown molding and replace it with different crown molding.

Regalado: I’m sure you’re right, but —

God: Of course I’m right.

Regalado: I wasn’t imagining a voice that cared so much about my home remodel. How do I know you’re really God? Can you prove it?

God: Prove it? Prove it? Hear me: I’m the voice that told Mike Johnson to be speaker. I’m the voice that told a Virginia man to convert an old church into a store selling Donald Trump merchandise, including models of his genitalia. How can you think that the voice that would speak to them about those specific situations would be anything less than invested in your home remodel and your cryptocurrency scheme?

Regalado: It just seems — I don’t know. Small.

God: This is the kind of thing I care about now. If you hear any remark where you’re like, “Huh, it seems odd that God would prioritize that right now?” I guarantee that’s me. I’m in the details, as they say.

Regalado: Wait, didn’t you tell the pope something recently about ending war? About how the Lord blesses everyone, so it was okay to bless same-sex couples?

God: Oh, what a mess. He totally misheard Me. I wanted him to remodel the Vatican.